Why I Write

Photo: Hilary CL (morgefile)

Sometimes I have a hard time expressing what I'm thinking. I'm such an introvert, almost to the point of it crippling me. Somehow, by God's grace, I still make it through each day. When I was growing up, I always wondered why I acted so differently from others. Everyone around me seemed to be complete extroverts, and although I can put on a good face and appear to be an extrovert if you met me, I'll probably spend the next day home alone trying to re-energize from all the over-stimulation. This doesn't mean I hate people - it's actually the opposite. I love meeting new people - hearing their stories, your stories, being able to understand why they are who they are. It's just that sometimes I would like that in return.

I write because it's the only real way that I can express my thoughts without interruption or judgment. When I was growing up, my brother was very advanced in his schooling - he's so smart, and I still look up to him today. It was hard for me because even though we share many of the same skills and abilities, our personalities are very different. Because I didn't talk as much in school, it was harder for me to prove to my teachers that I was capable to handle more advanced courses. It was hard for me to show my personality and interests because I thought that they were insignificant and not useful. I know that they didn't do this on purpose, but the feeling that I wasn't good enough still remained. If you're ever in the position where you can influence someone for the better, do it. You never know what that person is going through, and you'll never know how your actions, positive or negative, will influence them in the future. Because of this, I gradually began to not care for writing.

Fast forward to high school: I quit writing completely. As I mentioned briefly before in a previous post (see 4 Notes for Life's Bumpy Road), I just grew to hate writing, going almost eight years without writing anything besides what was required for me in school. I still don't quite know why, but I think, looking back on that time now, that I grew to hate it because I had gotten to a point where it was even hard to write out and express through writing what I was thinking and feeling. I didn't feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed. It was like I was emotionally bound and couldn't break free. In high school, I focused almost solely on academics. Everything seemed to revolve around classes, but I still made time to read. I graduated high school at the top of my class, but even on the stage of giving my speech, I still felt nothing.

Fall of 2011, I started my first semester at North Carolina State University, one of the best and worst times of my (limited) life. I met some pretty awesome friends that remain friends to this day (hey Keisha! - check out her site), but that also began a struggle I didn't know I would have to ever deal with. It started small, and I think that because I can be a little naive, I fell into its trap. First it was explicit images, then that escalated to explicit videos and websites. I've never felt more exposed in my life than at that moment. I finally got the courage to tell my friend Keisha about what I was dealing with in private, and she has been a constant rock for me, even if she may not know it. I still have moments of weakness when it comes to this, but I think with now that I'm finally sharing this, it will help further the healing process for me.

I began this blog in May 2013, making it three years this month. I've been through so much since then - short-term missions trip, college and graduation, the beginning and end of friendships, and spiritual growth, only to name a few. Through dealing with my personal struggles of sin, insecurity, and feeling like my value was minimal, God has allowed this gift of writing to become of comfort for me, and hopefully for you. I share these stories of life not to put myself on a pedestal, or to make myself look any better than anyone else. We all have issues that God is working in us. I believe that during this process of growth, conviction and being hard-pressed, God is producing in me, in us, better versions of ourselves to be used for His glory. It's like coming out with a new model of a car - the car had to be deconstructed in order to find out what flaws or issues were present, in order to build a better version that can be used for service. I know that is what God is doing in and through me each day, and as I seek Him through His Word, prayer, and engaging with other believers, my prayer is that I'll be made more like Him.

Writing for me has becoming a way to pour out my thoughts and emotions at God's feet and leave them there. God meets me in those quiet moments of reading His Word and writing, and in those moments and in each part of life, He continues to make something great in me. I write to encourage you, that through whatever storm, season of life, or silent hurt, you'll allow God to meet you where you are and change you from within.

SDG

*Linkup at Literary Musings

Waiting with Expectation

Photo: MariaSK (morgefile)

Driving with my dad and brother, it seemed like it would take forever to get to where we were going. Although my brother is older than I, I remember him sitting in the back seat and I in the front as we pulled up to a family member's home. I wasn't totally sure what we were there for, but I knew it had to be something great because my dad was excited. I knew that if my dad was fine, everything was going to be okay.

My dad goes inside the house for a few minutes, and then he comes out with in his hands our first dog, Shadow. I wish I had a picture of him to show you, but he was an all black dog with two different colored eyes - one blue and the other hazel. My dad placed his small wiggly body in a crate right between my legs and Shadow immediately began to get excited to see us. I didn't know what Shadow would bring to our lives, but I was truly excited and anticipating to have him around for many years. 

Shadow brought us much joy for many years, even up to the day he passed away a few years ago. Even though we now have a new dog, Buddy, some days I still find myself thinking of Shadow. The waiting and uncertainty of getting a dog paid off, because even though I didn't know we were getting a dog, that moment in time, and many other moments since then, has built in me a sense of patience.

Practicing patience takes hard work, and patience.

Everything that we may want and need doesn't come to us overnight. As I've mentioned previously, I've been really praying that God would provide me with an opportunity to get a job. Though things are hard and rough at times, and though I can get down in spirit, my hope still rests in God because I know that He will provide.

It may not be when, where, or how you think God will come through for you, but remember always, God will provide. Maybe you have been going through similar circumstance that I have been, or maybe it's the fact you've been waiting for God to provide you with some sort of breakthrough - emotionally, spiritually, physically - and it hasn't come yet. 

My word for you is to not give up.

It's easy for us to give up on God when times are hard, when we feel that things aren't going our way in life, but realistically, things aren't supposed to go our way. Firstly, we live in a fallen, wicked world with evil spiritual forces that would do anything to stop us from keeping faith in God. Satan wants us to doubt our belief in God, because once our faith in God starts to crumble, every part of relationship with God starts to deteriorate. Secondly, if everything went our way in life, life wouldn't be much fun and worth living.

Think about it. 

If everything went right in my life, there would be no need for me to depend on God because my reliance would be in myself. Although we may be waiting for our needs to be fulfilled, allow your hearts to be comforted in knowing that in the end, God will come through and He will always provide.

SDG

A Clean, Holy Sacrifice

In the depths of my despair,

I offer You myself. 

A clean, holy sacrifice

Is all Your heart longs for.

Unworthy, ungrateful, undeserved favor - 

In exchange for my wicked ways - 

Were granted to me that one amazing day

When You washed my sins away.

How could I ever repay You

Of the greatest gift one can give?

A clean, holy sacrifice

Is all Your heart longs for.

Refine me in Your fire,

Purge my heart and soul

Make my life's sacrifice an offer of righteousness - 

God, please make me whole.

Birth within me a desire for only You

To share throughout the world.

A clean, holy sacrifice

Is all Your heart longs for - 

The world -may they see You lifted up,

On high, in all Your glory

Make me a messenger of Your gospel

So all may return to You.

An Update on Things

It has been a long time since I've written up here. It may not have been long to you (it probably has), since it has only been four months since my last post. The fact of the matter is that it has been four months. In this time I decided to take a break from many of my main social networking sites, in particular Facebook. I really want to thank you so for being so patient with me during this time.

It isn't like I haven't been writing anything, because I have been. I would get started on a post because I would have a great idea, but by the time I wrote the first sentence, all my energy would be drained from me. It was literally like someone or something was sucking the life out of me slowly. Even now I'm having a hard time, but I'm getting better.

This post is going to be a little random, but just best with me. I really just need to say some of these things.

A major reason why I decided to take such a sudden break is because it was necessary. I wouldn't be a benefit to you if I posted up here every week knowing that inside of me there was a lot of turmoil. I would have been doing you all a disservice if I did that, and that was one thing I didn't want to do. One thing that is important to me, and had always been important to me, is to ensure spiritual discernment on my part on what's necessary to protect your spiritual well-being. I don't want you leaving here worse off than the way you came! Proper balance of everything is necessary, because at the end of the day, I have to answer to God about everything I've shared and how I've shared it.

Beyond all of that, a very HUGE factor in my delayed posting is the fact that I have 20 credit hours this semester in school. 20 HOURS! No room for free time! My next and final semester of college will be much better and hopefully you'll hear from me more.

Along with all of this, I never told many people this, but I had been having some physical health issues that really took a toil on my emotions in the process. I won't get into all of the details here, but I just want you to know that I'm doing much better right now, and prayerfully I will fully recover soon. 

I think the most important note to point out is that the break was needed (at least for me) -  to ensure that having this blog was the right thing to be doing, and it is. Again, I just wanted to thank you for your patience and let you know that some new material will be coming out soon!

Thanks!



SDG

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like you were stuck? For instance, have you ever felt like your life or situations in your life were as if you were stuck in the revolving doors of a very important building? You really want to be in the building and enjoy all of the grandness that the owner of the building provides, but because you're stuck in the revolving doors you can't do anything except for continue in the same path that you have been going.

But what if someone came by while you were walking in the revolving doors and said "Hey! I know the way for you to get out of here. All you have to do is follow me!" So you follow the person out of the revolving doors, seeing what new freedom you have. But because you're unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or maybe don't know the owner of the building that well to tell him about your problems and concerns, you resort to returning back to the revolving doors.

Have you ever felt this way in your spiritual walk with Christ? You're stuck in the revolving door with your sin, wanting to get out, but when you are free, you resort to returning to the door because that's what you know and what you're familiar with. But why stay in the door? Why do we choose to stay with our dirty and ugly sins when there is so much better in store for us in our Owner's mansion? Why give up the riches that God freely gives us once we accept Him for temporal things that are faulty in value? (Jeremiah 2:13) 

If God had only saved us just to save us from our sins, then there would be little difference in our lives. More than likely we would continue sin, knowing that God would forgive us. But if that was the end of the story, it would be one very short and boring story. Thanks to God that He invites us into a relationship with Him. He doesn't just want to save us; we all need to be saved from our sins. He wants to commune and have fellowship with us (Revelation 3:20).    Through discipline, God prunes us into His image and likeness and have access directly to Him through His son Jesus. 

Really, there is no need for us to be stuck in the "revolving doors" of life. Instead of having a temporal satisfaction of enjoying our sin and feeling guilty after we've done it, we can be fully satisfied in the riches and wisdom that Jesus freely gives. If all we see is our very small (in relation to time) and current condition of being surrounded in sin, we'll never be able to see our eternal purpose and long-lasting future with Christ. Our lives on earth, our struggles and issues on earth are just a speck of our eternity with Christ, giving Him glory and praises forever. 

So my questions for myself and you are these: What temporal conditions, sins, pleasures, or whatever, have you accepted? What is keeping you in the "revolving doors" of your life? Let me phrase it this way: what is your focus on? Do you live as though Jesus is the center of everything that you do, wait and watch for His return eagerly, and work towards to set mission that He has set you on right now? Or, do you live in defeat, feeling inadequate, ill-equipped, and wasteful of the short time that Jesus has given you on earth to serve Him. At the end of the day, only what you do for Christ will last. Your sin has no control over you. "Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit" (Romans 8:1). 

I know for me personally that it has taken a long time for me to answer those questions. It's taken a long time for me to write this one post. I've been working on it for over a month, and during that time I have experienced God in a completely different way. Instead of feeling trapped in the revolving doors, I entered into God's presence to see His glory. In the course of this month I have learned what God's love is and looks like. I think so often we get caught up in the notion or idea of God's love with even experiencing it for ourselves, and for me, I think that had a lot to do with some of the struggles, insecurities, and doubts I was facing. I don't know your personal stance with God or anything, but I challenge you to develop a relationship with Him, and if you already have one, get to know His love, His true love.