Struggles

***The following is a poem I wrote a week ago. I was really going through a lot at that time, and I really needed to vent it all out. This is the first official poem I've written in a few years, that's why it sounds a little choppy, but I hope you enjoy it.***


Pain in my chest blocks what I gain from gazing at You.
My body keeps calling me away from You,
because all I want is immediate satisfaction-
Something I can find in, well, porn,
and things of that fashion.
The whole time I'm looking at naked bodies doing the unimaginable,
Your passionate and unrelenting love and grace keeps calling me back
From the past that in my mind I'm still a slave to.
What past?
I'm glad you asked.
I'm an unproud slave of lust, pride,
And deep hurt that I keep inside.
Hurt from my mother,
Hurt from my father,
Hurt from a brother that I believe wouldn't care if I didn't exist.
Hurt from past sins and failures,
Hurt from past lies of when I wasn't so careful
To allow You to expose and prune me like You wanted to.
In my heart, Your will and my will coexist.
One heart, one will,
One decision to follow Him.
Part of me wants to say "yes", because He'll have control over everything that goes on.
Part of me, my will, wants to say "no", because I'm still bitter & discontent of the fact that He hasn't allowed me to move on from this sin.
I really want to trust Him but I don't know if my strength is anymore.
My heart and spirit are too sore
From the battle wounds that I've so ungracefully borne.
Be my intercessor, my covering,
My anchor, my shield, my friend.
Be all that I need and more,
So I can finally see that all that I need is You.